The Chaser
Welcome children, my name is Jameson McStout. I have spent the better part of my 27 years learning the fine arts of a skill that is very important to my profession of journalism and my people... drinking. I introduce myself in this piece to the football fans, whose season is in full swing, but I will also be covering basketball and any other sport that I'm forced to report on. I am being employed by The Chaser, the smoothest paper in town, especially after you have read one of our rough, hard to swallow friends.
Now my editors told me, write your pieces sober, that's what a true professional would do... But you know what? A shot of whiskey and a pint of guinness is a great way to get the creative juices flowing. I say, what do they know?? They are editors for a reason, uncreative, and no one likes anyone sober. So I say to hell with them.
If you have been following DUBA, you know that comparing the team now to the one that started the season is like comparing a sleeveen to true blue Dub, worthy of a beatin'. The offensive leaders, Romo and Westbrook, have both spent time hurt due to various injuries. Westbrook broke a couple ribs while trying to do a well documented one-handed keg stand, while the facts around Tony's injury are far vaguer. While the team's official stance is it was hurt in practice, there have been whispers it was due to an incident at a strip club. Regardless, Romo is still down, for what looks to be another 2 weeks, while Westbrook returned to once again carry the team.
Two of the season's original starters, carry over Todd Heap and frosh Josh Morgan have long been gone. Heap seemed to have a mental breakdown, suddenly thinking he was a Dback and would try and knock down any pass thrown at him. The final straw was when, on the snap, he tackled Romo and started gnawing at his leg. No one really knows where he is now. Josh was just too green, wasn't ready for the big lights. While gone, the team has kept an eye on him as he works it out at community college.
However, two fellow newbies, Chris Johnson and Morgan's ex high school teammate Eddie Royal, have been impressive. Eddie has fit nicely into the number 3 WR slot, while Johnson has given hold over Jacobs a run at backing up Westbrook. His emergence has given the team 3 top 20 running backs.
As for week 8, seeing that the upcoming opponent was Weymouth, a team that just moved up from Division 2 and struggling against the tougher competition, about half the team decided to play hooky for the game. Three kids had to be brought in off the street, K Elam, TE Martin, and QB Schaub. While Elam and Martin understandably struggled, backup QB Orton's decision not to show has caused a little QB controversy while Romo is down since Schaub excelled. When Orton was reached for comment, he stated that Schaub was "shite who couldn't handle his liqueur like me." When told that has nothing to do with football, he paused briefly, smashed a glass and hung up the phone.
With seven teams currently tied for first and only six spots available in the playoffs, this is panning out to be a very interesting stretch run. So I suggest all do as I have done and always will do- find your favorite barstool, grab a pint, and enjoy yourself.
-Jameson McStout
-The Chaser
Now my editors told me, write your pieces sober, that's what a true professional would do... But you know what? A shot of whiskey and a pint of guinness is a great way to get the creative juices flowing. I say, what do they know?? They are editors for a reason, uncreative, and no one likes anyone sober. So I say to hell with them.
If you have been following DUBA, you know that comparing the team now to the one that started the season is like comparing a sleeveen to true blue Dub, worthy of a beatin'. The offensive leaders, Romo and Westbrook, have both spent time hurt due to various injuries. Westbrook broke a couple ribs while trying to do a well documented one-handed keg stand, while the facts around Tony's injury are far vaguer. While the team's official stance is it was hurt in practice, there have been whispers it was due to an incident at a strip club. Regardless, Romo is still down, for what looks to be another 2 weeks, while Westbrook returned to once again carry the team.
Two of the season's original starters, carry over Todd Heap and frosh Josh Morgan have long been gone. Heap seemed to have a mental breakdown, suddenly thinking he was a Dback and would try and knock down any pass thrown at him. The final straw was when, on the snap, he tackled Romo and started gnawing at his leg. No one really knows where he is now. Josh was just too green, wasn't ready for the big lights. While gone, the team has kept an eye on him as he works it out at community college.
However, two fellow newbies, Chris Johnson and Morgan's ex high school teammate Eddie Royal, have been impressive. Eddie has fit nicely into the number 3 WR slot, while Johnson has given hold over Jacobs a run at backing up Westbrook. His emergence has given the team 3 top 20 running backs.
As for week 8, seeing that the upcoming opponent was Weymouth, a team that just moved up from Division 2 and struggling against the tougher competition, about half the team decided to play hooky for the game. Three kids had to be brought in off the street, K Elam, TE Martin, and QB Schaub. While Elam and Martin understandably struggled, backup QB Orton's decision not to show has caused a little QB controversy while Romo is down since Schaub excelled. When Orton was reached for comment, he stated that Schaub was "shite who couldn't handle his liqueur like me." When told that has nothing to do with football, he paused briefly, smashed a glass and hung up the phone.
With seven teams currently tied for first and only six spots available in the playoffs, this is panning out to be a very interesting stretch run. So I suggest all do as I have done and always will do- find your favorite barstool, grab a pint, and enjoy yourself.
-Jameson McStout
-The Chaser
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posted by Brad at 8:50 PM
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