Rakeville Times: Camps heating up... with rage

Deion Branch kicked off camp Tuesday with a torrent of obscenities after finding out there would be no other players at camp that morning. He is not the only one getting hot under the collar either.



Camps heating up... with rage!
by Aviator McShadeless, Rakeville Times

Grays Reciever Dieon Branch lashed out at the coaching staff Tuesday, angered by the short-staffed two-a-days freshmen were being put through while Conference officials delay the date URake can continue recruiting.

“Everyone is a bit frustrated,” said Coach Drew Bledsoe. “We are working these new guys and the walk-ons pretty hard. The longer it takes for the bulk of our transfers to get into camp, the less time we have to prepare for the regular season. That’s why we must make sure the ones in camp are ready to play at a high level.”

Several players on offense and most of the defense has already arrived in Rakeville to begin camp, but FAC-10 Commissioner Jason Sehorn has pushed back the date of the draft, leaving URake and other conference schools severely undermanned. After a week, tempers have begun to flare across the league.

“Bo knows bullshit,” said Dean Bo Jackson from division rival Stardust University. “Sehorn is inconsiderate to the needs of our programs.” To which Seahorn replied when told of the comments, “If he said that to my face, I would drop him.”

Despite the anger being spewed, Bledsoe remained positive about the Grays outlook.

“We have so much to look forward to this season. We already have players that other teams desire, and I’m fortunate enough to help them develop into fine young men and excellent football players.”

Fans are excited too. Rakeville University confirmed they will play in the Claffey Coliseum this season, and that season tickets are on sale. The first batch of student tickets are already sold out, and lower bowl tickets are going fast.

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Rakeville Times: Only ‘blue chips’ for the Grays

Transfer Matt Leinart holds his new Grays jersey during a press conference to announce URake's blockbuster signings. Leinart is expected to head an offense featuring stud freshmen Johnson, Lynch and Meachem among other transfers.


Only ‘blue chips’ for the Grays
By Aviator McShadeless, Rakeville Times

If the last week has been an indicator, then the Rakeville University Grays have a bright future in Division I football. A few days after being accepted to the FAC-10, Head Coach Drew Bledsoe announced the signing of fourth blue-chip recuits

“We are pleased to announce that Calvin Johnson, Marshawn Lynch, Matt Leinart and Vernon Davis have all accepted scholarship offers to play and learn at Rakeville University,” said Bledsoe during a press conference Tuesday.

He also hinted that top high-schooler Robert Meachem and possible transfer Carnell “Cadillac” Williams are both expected to sign letters of intent.

“When we envisioned transforming URake into a major sports school we thought it would take years to establish a program,” said Atheltic Director Mike Mizanin, “but Coach Bledsoe has found a way to bring in some of the top young talent in the country. In less than a week, we have a foundation to build one of the best franchises in conference history.”

Sophomore transfer Matt Leinart was so excited about coming to URake, the quarterback arrived earlier yesterday morning to attend freshman orientation, and stayed for the press conference.

“Know that I’ll get to throw to guys like Calvin (Johnson) and Meachem makes me excited,” he said while holding up his new maroon and gray jersey. “We have an opportunity to lead this school to greatness. At most schools we would be second or third options, but here we get to develop together. In a few years, it will be tough to stop this offense.”

The Grays are also rumored to be pursuing transfer receiver Deion Branch. Sources close to the school said the Grays were also heavily pursuing Adrian Peterson and Cedric Benson. Both have committed elsewhere.

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FBCS Reacts to New Blood

As the FAC-10 gets ready for the 2007 season, so does the Fantasy Bowl Championship Series. With three new schools added to the conference schedule, it'll be difficult to earn a spot in the illustrious Heineken Keg Bowl.









John Chamberlain / EHssociated Press


Three new schools will be competing in the FAC-10 Fantasy Football League in 2007, and nobody is more excited than the guys in charge of the Fantasy Bowl Championship Series (FBCS).

"With new teams comes new opportunities," says FBCS Vice-President and former FAC-10 Commissioner Terrell Davis. "When the sponsors see how quickly this conference is growing, they are more than happy to open their wallets."

And that is exactly what they have done. Barely 12 hours after the announcement of the 3 new schools, alcohol vendors Heineken and Labatt were in contact with the league. Labatt will be sponsoring the 3rd place Hula Bowl, while Heineken will be sponsoring the Keg Bowl, FAC-10's championship game this year.

"Heineken was the first to approach us on the matter," Davis said. "Barely 2 hours after [FAC-10 Commissioner Jason] Sehorn announced the new teams."

With the entire league looking on - hoping that they will make some kind of rookie mistake - Orlando Claffey (Rakeville University), Brad Bodell (Dublin University of Brewery Arts), and David Celli (TBD) will be adding players to their roster Sunday night at 10:00PM during the FAC-10 Expansion Draft.

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Bo Knows The S.U.C.H.

What more can a FAC-10 Champion do to improve the team? Most would assume not much, but THE Stardust University Crazy Horses have made a few adjustments, not so much on the field, but off the field, and in the kitchen?

By: Max Powers/Reno Weekly Rag


After entering the 2006 season as one of three expansion teams, Athletic Director Adam Howe didn't know what to expect from not only his recruits but from the league his school was invited to join. He had heard good things from the inaugural season, and was eager to join in on the action, as he felt like there would be more opportunity for his school's sports program to promote themselves and future recruits by being in a prime league. He never expected to to surprise everyone, including himself, by winning the FAC-10 Championship by knocking out fellow expansion school You're With Me Leather U.

"We were dumbfounded and excited at the same time. We knew we had a chance once the regular season and defending champs [University of Mexico] were knocked out in the semi-finals," commented Howe, "We knew anything was possible after that happened."

The school held a press conference last week to announce two major changes for this coming season. First off, the announced a new addition to the school's faculty, Mr. Bo Jackson. He was announced as the Assistant Athletic Director/Residential Director/Marketing Director/President of the Debate Team/Dining Hall Chef/Music Director of KTSU/Biology Department Chair/Librarian/Head Groundskeeper/School Veterinarian/Dean of Student Affairs/Chief of Campus Security. The title was given to Mr. Jackson so that he could make decisions and changes around the school without having to appease different department heads throughout the school.

"It was a big hire for us. I'm glad to have Bo working under me. He knows a lot of things and I just he'll know just what to do in every situation he is put in here at Stardust," remarked A.D. Adam Howe.

The second part of the press conference was organized and present by Director of Marketing Bo Jackson himself. It was announced that the school will be marketing itself as "THE S.U.C.H." (THE Stardust University Crazy Horses) in the coming season.

"After winning the FAC-10 championship, we're expecting a lot of sales of school memorabilia this coming school year. Shirts, hats, pennants, coffee mugs, socks, fold out chairs, suitcases, and futons are all expected to sell out in the first week. We're going to have to produce a lot of new merchandise and it will be much more cost efficient for us to use less letters on these items than last year. We've decided to go with the anagram The S.U.C.H. for this main reason, and we hope the name sticks in the minds of the fans for this season and many season to come," commented Jackson at the press conference held last week.

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Good-Bye Leather, Hello Az.-Kickery!

An anonymous donor (left) rescued the struggling finances of You're With Me, Leather University. However, he requested the university move and change their name, for reasons unknown. Welcome to the University of Az.-Kickery!




To: You're With Me Leather University Board of Trustees

From: Athletic Director Pat Renaud

Re: Campus Moving/College Name Change


Trustees: It is with a heavy heart and unending pride and excitement
that I make the following announcement. As many of you already know,
last year we fell well short of our fundraising goal that would have
allowed us to continue paying off the land we owned in Deadspin, Ill.
Because of this, at the end of the season, there was some question as
to whether or not we'd be able to continue fielding an accredited
university, much less our National Championship Runner-Up football
squad. It was a troubling time in our college's short but prestigious
history, and I'd like to think we've learned many lessons from it.

That said, I am pleased to announce that a benefactor who has chosen
to remain nameless has rescued our University. With the help of
donations from this benefactor and the University of Arizona college
system, we were able to come up with the requisite donation amount to
procure a great deal of land and also state-of-the-art football and
academic facilities for the 2007 school year. However, in accordance
with both our benefactor's and the University of Arizona's wishes,
our campus will be moving to Kickery, Arizona, where we will become
the newest part of the University of Arizona college system and
continue our allegiance to the Fac-10 football program.

While it has been a long, strange road to continue our college's
tradition of excellence, we're all very excited to begin this new
step in the University's journey to the elite of the Fac-10. Students
have already begun enrolling in classes for the fall semester,
transfers are already on campus and enjoying the dry heat of the
desert in which we reside, and, most importantly, purchasing season
tickets for an exciting fall of University of Arizona at Kickery
football action! We're all looking forward to a strong academic and
football season! Kick 'em Kickers!

With Regards,

Pat Renaud
University of Az.-Kickery Athletic Director

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